When The Victim Suddenly Looks Like You

Ever scroll past a tragedy only to feel your stomach drop — not from shock, but from recognition? In this episode, we confront this uncomfortable truth: the media and society don’t treat all victims equally. A notable person's death becomes a global emergency, while weekly violence against kids and marginalized communities barely makes the ticker.

Today, we highlight the selective outrage that defines our news cycle, examining how empathy bias influences our reactions and why silence can be a form of complicity. This isn’t just about headlines — it’s about who we’re told to mourn, and what that says about the value we place on different lives.

About your host:
Sonia in Cyber is a multicultural feminist voice, creative entrepreneur, and unapologetic truth-teller. With roots in education, tech, and product marketing, she blends data with empathy, humor with heartbreak, to expose the cracks in America’s “normal.” Through her podcast Somebody Pinch Me, she gives voice to the disillusioned, the outspoken, the overlooked, and the quietly furious — proving that truth doesn’t just survive in chaos; it thrives in it. Her mission is simple: to use her voice to inspire others to keep fighting, resisting, and moving forward — no matter what.

Transcript

@soniaincyber: 0:21

You ever see a headline and feel a sudden drop in your stomach? Not from shock, but from the cold familiarity of it all? You ever watch the media fumble through coverage of two tragedies, treating one like a national emergency and the other like a footnote – telling us who we're supposed to mourn? Ever notice how when someone famous gets shot, everyone zooms in, but when kids are offed weekly or innocent black and brown people are taken from us, most just scroll past in silence? Yeah, me too. This is Somebody Pinch Me, and today's episode – tough, necessary, and maybe even uncomfortable, "When the Victim Suddenly Looks Like You: Gunfire, Gaslighting, and American Empathy Bias." Because empathy in America has become a coupon code, which only works on select items and usually expires when you need it most.

@soniaincyber: 1:15

Let's talk about the two recent American tragedies and what they've exposed, once again, about America. Both were acts of violence, both involved guns, both ended lives or changed them forever. Same week, same day, same country, and both preventable. Yet, the way we've seen people, the media, and political groups respond couldn't be more different. And those differences reveal some really ugly truths about America. Let's get into it.

@soniaincyber: 1:47

These two sobering events should have united us and helped us have a long overdue conversation about guns in America. Instead, it ripped open our political fault lines even more and brought another wave of relationships tested or broken as people witnessed differing opinions and reactions come to light. The Evergreen High School incident was almost completely glossed over or buried beneath the storm of Charlie Kirk's injury and later passing. Just another school shooting, just another disturbed young man taking his issues out on others after being radicalized by white supremacy and other forms of extremism. The same white supremacy and extremism Charlie Kirk made millions off of. And yet, the Charlie Kirk coverage acknowledged none of this. How his actions, rhetoric, behaviors, and message just might have contributed to both of these events. His coverage immediately jumped to finger pointing, political conspiracies, long before facts were even clear. Countless Republicans and Trump loyalists, including Trump himself, called for retribution and placed instant blame on the radical left, "It's the liberals! It's BLM! It's immigrants!" with ZERO evidence. It was anyone but the man who actually pulled the trigger. And that's not just sloppy, it's dangerous. The media wasn't doing its job. It was doing someone's PR – theirs.

@soniaincyber: 3:17

Those same people who, not even 48 hours before, celebrated and encouraged Trump's proud use of the "Department of War", as he called it, and threats like "Chicago's about to find out why it's called the Department of War". The same people who offered no condolences or empathy when Representative Melissa Hortman and her husband were brutally murdered in their own home, or Nancy Pelosi's husband was attacked, or the countless, everyday black and brown Americans that are brutalized, harassed, arrested, injured, and executed, whether guilty or not. Treated as less than, including on television or body cam footage, denied the very protections our Constitution extends to all within our borders. The same people who extend their humanity selectively and even find ways to justify the worst acts against others that don't look like, think like, or worship like them. The same people who haven't once cared about the children being slaughtered in other parts of the world, our American classrooms, or the countless families being torn apart by Trump's war on immigration. Where has the outrage been for that? Why no crocodile tears then? The same crowd of people who call themselves pro-life can't muster a drop of empathy for them, but excuses, definitely, "collateral damage", "it's complicated". But Charlie Kirk, a conservative talking head, gets shot? A right wing darling? Suddenly we're at DEF CON 1. 10 out of 10 dramatics with a twist of victimhood. Suddenly, empathy is flowing like a broken hydrant. It's not that one life is worth more than another, it's that outrage has become a political tool, and apparently your value depends on your voting record.

@soniaincyber: 5:11

Let's take a moment to truly remember Charlie Kirk. He spent years as one of the loudest voices against empathy, mocking empathy. He went after DEI, women, teachers, immigrants, belittling them, trashing them. He said deaths were necessary to protect the Second Amendment. He sneered at children growing up without parents if those kids happened to be immigrants. He built his entire career and empire on dismissing other people's pain. And he started young, at 18, founding Turning Point USA to explicitly push back against what he saw as liberal dominance across America's colleges and universities. He was frustrated with seeing mostly liberal professors dominating campus conversations. Instead of leaning into shared values, he zeroed in on what divides – race, religion, and identity. While most kids at that age are just figuring out how to do laundry without shrinking their jeans, he was already plotting how to rebrand white grievance as a youth movement, and it worked. He used misinformation like fuel and took traditional religion, scripture, and repurposed it as a call to arms. He built a brand on "You're being brainwashed!", "DEI is the enemy!", "Western civilization is supreme!", "You're under threat!". His organization became a breeding ground and recruiting arm to pull youth further right.

@soniaincyber: 6:41

And for those of you who question his motives or whether he was a white supremacist, Nazi sympathizer, misogynist, bigot, or any of those other terms you may think other people are using unfairly, consider this. He continually pushed the great replacement rhetoric, the idea that democracy and immigration in modern America is aimed at changing the racial demographic of America to dilute white majorities. He considered programs like DEI being anti-white and the Civil Rights Act an anti-white weapon. He claimed MLK was a mythological anti-racist creation of the 60s and increasingly framed American identity in Christian language. And by doing so, he implied the whole civil rights era was a myth cooked up to take power from white people. He used Christian rhetoric to spread and validate ideas of nationalism and identity. He frequently used language that was consistent with Christian Nationalist themes. He propagated and continued to spread false electoral fraud claims and used fear to grow the flames of intolerance. He encouraged men to take back leadership and criticize gender studies and feminism. He constantly mocked women and dismissed LGBTQIA+ communities. He sold young men the idea that being a man means domination, not partnership, that empathy makes you weak and cruelty makes you strong. And anyone that questions men is trying to emasculate America. He tapped into the younger generation's sense of alienation, change, uncertainty, identity crisis. He offered clarity, a villain to blame, a community to belong to, an urgency to act. Turning Point was his Trojan horse. "We're just here for free speech and small government", he said, but behind the curtain, it was "Make America White Again, one campus at a time". He knew if you win over young people, you don't just win an election, you win the future.

@soniaincyber: 8:54

And in recent years, he galvanized and encouraged MAGA-aligned youth to drive support for Trump. His organization ran field ops in swing states, spread viral clips, made conspiracy cool, fear fashionable, and outrage a lifestyle brand. Then came scripture. Though no pastor, he figured out that Christian Nationalism sells. He started framing America not just as a nation, but as a chosen nation. The America we live in today, he helped build. Where racism is repackaged as patriotism and empathy is selective, where cruelty is celebrated and hate is dressed up as holy.

@soniaincyber: 9:37

Charlie Kirk helped move our political center among these groups by extended exposure to topics that used to be considered fringe. In other words, he made extremism more acceptable. He mobilized young people by leaning into hate and intolerance and drove anxiety through the roof by positioning DEI, multiculturalism, and immigration as direct threats to white identity. He normalized "othering" and the dehumanization of non-traditional American identities, including minorities and immigrants, through rhetoric like "They're replacing us, taking our jobs, taking our culture, making us irrelevant". He weaved Christian Nationalism into political identity and used it to bring people together. He sold paranoia that white culture was under threat, that America was slipping, that only by clinging to race and religion could one survive. And many bought it.

@soniaincyber: 10:34

You know what else blew my mind? How fast people jumped to call Kirk's shooting so violent. Yes, it was violent. Guns are violent. But the irony? These same folks never bat an eye at the daily violence that black and brown people live with just existing in America. Police stops that turn into executions, families torn apart at the border, women killed by partners every single day, or by being denied life-saving health care, queer and trans folks targeted just for showing up, children and teachers having to witness this exact kind of violence up close on a weekly basis in America. But apparently violence only counts when it knocks on the right door, or the victim suddenly looks like you. In Gaza, whole neighborhoods wiped out, children pulled from rubble. That's violence on a scale that makes words crumble, and yet silence, or worse, excuses. You call it violence when Charlie Kirk bleeds, but call it defense when Gaza buries babies? This is empathy bias at work – who we rush to humanize, who we minimize, who we justify. Kirk's shooting sparks pearl-clutching op-eds, but a 15-year-old black kid shot by cops wrongfully is just another Tuesday.

@soniaincyber: 11:56

The truth? Violence is daily life for marginalized people, but America saves its deepest sympathy for the rare moments when violence hits the privileged. And that selective outrage, that's violence too. The violence of erasure. The violence of pretending other people's lives aren't worth the same tears. And now that same privileged crowd that cheered Kirk on wants the rest of us to fall to our knees in sympathy? Hypocrisy doesn't even cover it. Delusion is more like it. When your brand is other people's pain, don't act shocked when the universe takes notes. He denied humanity to others. No sympathy, no compassion, no tears. What makes a person like this worthy of ours?

@soniaincyber: 12:43

Meanwhile, the real story gets ignored. While we're all distracted by the outrage theater, the real problem stands in the corner holding the murder weapon. Guns. Evergreen High, kids falling victim to gun violence. Charlie Kirk, shot. The common denominator? Guns. Our addiction to them. Our refusal to regulate them. Instead of asking why it's so easy for people to arm themselves and end lives, the media spins conspiracy theories. Who to blame becomes the headline instead of how do we stop this? And the cycle continues. We don't need more thoughts and prayers. We don't need more blame shifting. We need gun reform. But saying that out loud in America is like yelling bomb in a crowded space. Everyone freaks out. And you know what's predictable at this point? The scapegoating. Every time without fail. A white man in a red state shoots another white man, and somehow within minutes the right is blaming brown and black people, the left, DEI, BLM, immigrants, whatever they can find to push their political agenda and hate forward. It's like a reflex. It's easier to blame outsiders than to admit the truth. Guns are the problem, and rhetoric that normalizes violence makes people believe violence is the answer. Scapegoating is easier than accountability, easier than admitting that violent rhetoric, like Charlie Kirk's and others like him, radicalizes people. So the blame instead gets shoved on whoever's politically convenient for them.

@soniaincyber: 14:14

Now we can't do this episode justice without addressing "that" argument. You know the one. "It's not the gun, it's the shooter!" Let's unpack that. Yes, people pull the trigger, but what enables one angry, unstable, or hateful person to slaughter 10 people in 10 seconds? Spoiler: it's not the sharpness of their kitchen knife. If it's not the gun, then why don't school shootings happen with staplers? Other countries have unstable people, angry people, mental illness, violent video games, bad days, breakups, you name it. But what they don't have is unfettered access to assault rifles and handguns designed for maximum efficiency at ending lives. That's the difference. Every country has angry men. Only America outfits them like Call of Duty characters.

@soniaincyber: 15:04

Think about cars. People crash cars all the time. But we don't say it's not the car, it's the driver, and just leave it there. We build seatbelts, airbags, speed limits, licensing, insurance, DUI laws – because we know human error happens and regulation saves lives. So why is it common sense for cars, but tyranny when it comes to guns? We regulate happy meals harder than we regulate handguns in America right now.

@soniaincyber: 15:33

To be clear, the "shooter, not the gun" line, is just an excuse to do nothing. It's a way to shrug off responsibility and protect the status quo. And the status quo is kids doing lockdown drills while politicians cash NRA checks. At the end of the day, people kill people WITH GUNS. And if we want fewer deaths, then maybe, just maybe, we should make it harder to get the deadliest tool in the toolbox. Because pretending it's only about the person and not the weapon is like blaming hurricanes on umbrellas.

@soniaincyber: 16:04

So where does this leave us? Empathy bias on full display. The media failing at its job and falling asleep at the wheel, a country still worshipping guns more than human lives, and a man who preached hate now suddenly being held up as a martyr, treated like a military hero. If you only care when it's your people, your side, your country, then it's not empathy. We owe it to every victim, from Evergreen to Gaza, to actually care. Not selectively, not politically, just care. Otherwise, we're not saving anyone, we're just choosing who's disposable. And in this situation, that care may not be for Charlie Kirk or his choices that helped lead us here, but rather the people you claim to stand with in solidarity. Let me explain.

@soniaincyber: 16:51

We won't beat fascism by being polite. I don't know about you, but I know for me, seeing a number of people, both prominent and in my personal circles, react to this situation so tamely was infuriating to say the least. Like someone can spend their whole life tearing down democracy, mocking women, demonizing immigrants, fueling white nationalism and supremacy, and the minute something happens to them, suddenly Democrats and supposed anti-Trumpers and minority or queer allies are bending over backwards to prove how civil, how compassionate, how above it all they are. Whether realized or not, they betray the very people they swore to defend by doing so. Crying over Charlie Kirk isn't noble. It's dangerous. Fake allyship breaks trust. Being a bigger person doesn't mean being a doormat in fascism.

@soniaincyber: 17:42

Democrats love civility like it's their own love language. They'll bring a peace lily to a gunfight. They'll write a sternly worded letter or social post while the other side is setting the house on fire. And when Charlie Kirk was shot, we saw it again. Leaders and friends rushing out to say thoughts and prayers. "We must rise above, we must show grace." Grace? For a man who spent his life mocking us?

@soniaincyber: 18:07

Civility isn't noble when it comes at the expense of truth. The truth shall set us free, remember? Anything else in situations like this is cowardice, yet again, another missed opportunity. It's like all these folks suddenly developed selective memory loss. Overnight, Kirk was rebranded from hate-spewing provocateur to tragic victim of our times. No, the man that spent his life handing out matches got burned. And Democrats come running along with marshmallows. And this isn't me being cold, it's me being honest, which means we don't whitewash a legacy of hate because we're afraid of looking mean.

@soniaincyber: 18:47

Where it really stings: when Democrats rush to humanize someone like Kirk, they're not just being nice. They're sending a message to every community he harmed. To women, "Sorry, he demeaned you, but we'll cry for him anyway". To immigrants, "Sorry he called you criminals, but we'll call him a hero anyways". To queer people, to teachers, to students under fire from gun violence, "Sorry he mocked you, but we'll light a candle anyway". That's not allyship. That's betrayal. You can't say you're defending vulnerable communities and then fold the second their oppressor is in the news. You can't mourn your enemy louder than you fight for your people.

@soniaincyber: 19:25

This obsession with civility, this fake allyship, it's not harmless, it erodes trust. It tells marginalized people that when push comes to shove, their defenders will always prioritize looking polite, over standing firm. You can't outcivil fascism. You have to actually fight it and call it out from people, living and dead. Every time Democrats fold like this, they give fascism more oxygen. They let the narrative shift. They make the oppressor sympathetic and the oppressed invisible. And we wonder why people are losing faith in politics. When they bend over so fast in the name of civility or forgiveness or the optics, it's not just a misstep, it's a betrayal of trust. And we have to name it.

@soniaincyber: 20:12

Some Democratic leaders, including those who often speak for black or immigrant communities, issued statements condemning the killing of Charlie Kirk and calling for reduced political hostility. Statements that often omitted any mention of Kirk's harmful record or legacy. Yet when brown and black people find themselves in the news, it seems to be the only thing anyone ever focuses on – their past, their record, their life. Some people from black and brown communities who are political figures, influencers, or activists seemed to pivot quickly to expressing sorrow, crying, focusing on the tragedy of the loss, calling for peace, unity without demanding accountability, without challenging the systemic issues that shape why people like Kirk exist or why his rhetoric was dangerous. For many who've experienced oppression, for folks who live with daily threats, racial profiling, police violence, immigrant bans, gender sexual orientation bullying, gun violence, it doesn't feel safe for their voices to be erased in favor of "We must heal together!" or "We must show grace!". When the oppressor is mourned or honored without acknowledgement of harm, communities see – we come second.

@soniaincyber: 21:17

One of the few that didn't soften it, Representative Omar, and she got tons of pushback because of it. She made sure to remind everyone of his lack of empathy or concern for George Floyd and disproval of Juneteenth as a national holiday, rightfully, stating his kind of speech shouldn't be allowed in the first place. I agree. Maybe this version of America wouldn't exist then. But many more blatantly refused to critique him, even lifting him up as someone who did important work for America. This fast forgiveness, this willingness to forget, it's not generosity, it's injury. For communities that have been hurt, witnessing supposed allies drop accountability in favor of optics is another form of harm.

@soniaincyber: 21:59

If we really want unity, if we really want democracy, we have to do more than just cry when someone we don't like gets hurt. We need voices that refuse to flinch in naming wrongs, in insisting on justice, in protecting the vulnerable. Because otherwise, what are we doing? Performance grief instead of doing the work. And trust, real trust, comes from holding both grief and truth, even when it's messy, even when it's uncomfortable.

@soniaincyber: 22:27

So here's where we land. When Democrats rush to show civility to someone like Charlie Kirk, they don't look noble, they look weak. When supposed allies fold, soften, and forget the harm he caused, they don't look compassionate, they look untrustworthy. And when America clutches its pearls over violence against a man like Kirk but shrugs at the daily violence faced by many others, that's not morality, that's selective empathy dressed up as virtue. Real empathy doesn't pick favorites, real allyship doesn't fold when it gets uncomfortable, real courage doesn't confuse civility with complicity. Because every time we cry for the powerful while ignoring the oppressed, every time we honor the oppressor while silencing the oppressed, every time we treat violence against some as tragedy and violence against others as background noise, we reinforce the very systems we claim we want to dismantle.

@soniaincyber: 23:22

Civility won't stop fascism, politeness won't protect the vulnerable, selective empathy won't save lives, and fake allyship won't build trust. So maybe the question isn't, how do we show we're the bigger person? Maybe the real question is, who are we willing to betray in order to look like one? We don't need civility that erases harm. We don't need allyship that folds at the first sign of discomfort. We need courage, the kind that tells the truth, even when it's messy, even when it's NOT polite.

@soniaincyber: 23:55

Thanks for listening. Until next time, stay woke, stay human, stay strong.